A Definitive List of the Top-10 Summer Foods

I’d like to be perfectly clear about something from the word ‘go’: I don’t stand by the conviction that food, or a particular foodstuff, be relegated to a single seasonal swim lane.  If you want a bowl of pho in mid-August Virginia humidity, go crazy.  Our gastronomic pursuits should not be dictated neither by climate nor weather pattern but, rather, by what we want to shove down our gullets at a given point in time.

That being said, certain stigmas surround food in general.  While we don’t have to adopt such stigmas as fact, per se, we should acknowledge that they do exist and that they do impact our way of thinking about food.  You could roast a turkey in, say, March, but that doesn’t fit the narrative, does it?  Because we’re knocking on the door to July, it’s probably fitting to take a macro look at Summer and what we like to throw down on during the warmest months.  Before we get into this, two editor notes:

• Rankings are somewhat arbitrary and reflect my current mood at the time of writing.  With the exception of one item on this list, I love all of these things and could easily reconfigure the rankings on a daily basis.
• I will be pairing mains with sides as single entries where I see fit.  You can bitch all you want, it won’t change the fact that this makes too much sense to me.

Now,  Without further ado,  Here is your all-time, definitive, completely unassailable top-10 list of foods to eat during the Summer.

Honorable Mention: Salad

Salad is the resident whipping boy, regardless of season.  While I actually enjoy one from time-to-time, it’s just so… salad.  There’s rarely anything to get excited about when salad comes to mind.  Did you ever once see Anthony Bourdain (RIP) get misty-eyed over eating an iceberg wedge?  Hell no.  It’s because salad, inherent to lettuce being basically crispy water, lacks the substance that just about anything else could provide.  In its defense, though, A well-executed salad during peak Summer can be refreshing and keep you sated until a more complete meal presents itself.  A reliable sidekick and a sometimes-needed deviation from the grilled and sauced variety, salad really only has a chance to shine between May and August and, for that reason alone, gets a wave and a nod here.

10) Beer

Fun fact: was not considered an alcoholic beverage in Russia until 2013.  Still not a food but is absolute magic.

9) Watermelon

Honest to god, I hate watermelon.  I want nothing to do with it.  Thing is, I see all of you (yes, YOU) eating it by the metric ton so god forbid I leave it off a food + summer list.  Yes, I understand it, unlike The Walking Dead which everyone seems to loathe at a subatomic level yet spends years of their lives talking about on Reddit, anyway.  It gets hot, it gets humid, you’re thirsty and you’re hungry and need something that won’t feel like hot lead in your stomach which leads us to watermelon.  It’s a simple equation.  In theory, it really is the perfect summer food.  It’s unobtrusive, it is of high water content and some of the damn cutest pictures of little kids ever taken involve them being enveloped in watermelon debris.  While I ever turn the corner on watermelon? Not likely.  Do I begrudge the rest of humanity for so wholeheartedly embracing it?  Absolutely not.  I’m happy that you’re happy.  Eat all the watermelon you want but please, stop asking me about The Walking Dead. I Fell off that bandwagon a long, long time ago.

8) Tacos (with salsa and guac)

Tacos and pizza are almost interchangeable, In my opinion.  They are endlessly versatile in terms of toppings and flavor profile and are almost always a good option save for rehearsal dinners and funerals.  In terms of seasonal appeal, tacos are such amazing backyard fare because they can be produced easily in mass quantities and, when done buffet style, can allow the host/hostess to sit back and focus on the adult beverage in hand.  Stewed chicken and barbacoa, while only slightly more involved than the traditional ground beef, can be slow cooked throughout the day while you listen to the Gypsy Kings with the baseball game on mute.  Salsa, additionally, can and should be made at home and the same goes for guacamole.  As side items, they are at one time flavor enhancers and center pieces unto themselves.  Nobody appreciates getting jobbed by Chipotle with $37 of additional charges for an extra scoop of chicken and a side of guac.  You know how you become a hero?  offer all of the above for the price of “BYOB at my house on Saturday”.  Follow through on that and you’ll be ready to save Gotham in no time.

7) Pizza (sides optional)

As a natural follow up to the previous entry, pizza is bound to show up on any top-10 list.  It’s pizza.  Honestly, I don’t need to say much about it beyond that.  But during the dog days of summer, perhaps after a full day on the boat or after six hours child-wrangling at the waterpark, you’re ready to vote for minimum effort in 2018.  Pizza is a godsend in this sense, because it literally requires a phone, money and enough reserve energy to walk to the door.  Pizza can be turned into an event, nowadays.  The big green egg mafia or anyone, for that matter, with a big enough grill set up, can get into the homemade pizza game and make an evening out of it.  In very few instances can it get better than that.  I understand that this may run contrary to your ketogenic diet or your counting macros in order to look like an #instagrammodel but this is real life and in real life, sometimes you just need delicious calories to bring you back to life.  Sometimes, the answer is pizza.  After four quarters of pool basketball, you’ll thank the gods of dough and dairy and sauce.

6) Funnel Cake

Admittedly, I don’t possess a sweet tooth.  Salty/savory/hotter than a Skip Bayless take is more my forte.  That said, the summer is pretty synonymous with county fairs, carnival rides and boardwalks.  In terms of environment, it doesn’t get more loose and free than riding the swings, drinking cold beer and getting hustled by seasoned circus carnies.  At its core, funnel cake is the consumable embodiment of all these things.  It’s fried, it’s somehow airy and boasts a prominent layer of powdered sugar.  You may not like sweets, you may not even be hungry, but the very presence of funnel cake draws you in and ignores all of your fetal attempts to look the other way.  You eat funnel cake less as a natural function of curbing hunger than you do as a ritual to travel back to a time that when were young and the world was simpler.  Time travel is real and it is deep, deep fried.  I was recently at a county fair and this exact thing happened to me.  The effect was profound.  I may not eat a single piece of funnel cake until the same weekend next June, yet I’ll do so with the greatest anticipation.

5) Bomb Pops

Again, as a person that actively avoids dessert 99.8% of the time, the idea of bomb pops is less culinary than it is emotional.  Bomb pops just look like summer.  You were a kid once and you watched the 4th of July fireworks cascade over you while your parents and their friends poured their beers and their wines and their sangrias.  You were not yet of an age to indulge in such things but, sure as you’re reading this right now, you knew where the freezer was and you knew what was good.  In those moments, life was red, white and blue and sacred.  Whether it was flashlight tag by moonlight of the ice cream truck rolling heroically into the neighborhood at high noon, bomb pops were accessible, they were consistent and they were a friend to all.  Now, amidst the haze of cocktails and grilled items, you see a bomb pop and it’s a “gotta have it” kind of moment.  Not several weeks ago, I was wearing a button down adorned with bomb pops and walked right into another guy wearing the same shirt.  He’s my brother now and we’re going fishing this weekend.

4) Kabobs

I was waffling at this slot trying to decide between a couple different grilled items and then had a light bulb moment, of sorts.  Kabobs, especially during grill season, meet basically every demand of diners across the spectrum.  There is the nexus of diners which focuses on a balanced offering of vegetables and proteins.  Then there is its converse that really hones in on which variety of animal protein they’ll be getting and anything else beyond that is just, well, fluff.  With kabobs, variety is most assuredly the rule, not the exception.  You’re able to amass a wide assortment of meats, vegetables and even, (yes, I’m serious) citrusy fruits to then lay down in front of the masses.  It’s a crowd pleaser on a spit.  Not only do you get to let your more caveman-esque sensibilities out by grilling meat, but you can also impress people by offering a line up of, say grilled lamb loin in a chimichurri marinade alongside Campari tomatoes, garlic, fresh mango and cremini mushroom.  Who said you couldn’t be simple and refined at the same time?  Also, kabobs, because of unwritten rules just like in baseball, must be eaten outside.  Seriously.  You eat kabobs out on the deck, patio, veranda and never, under any circumstances, inside.  Try not listening to me and see what happens..

3) Burgers & Dogs (fries, chips, potato salad..)

As bare bones and understated as you can get.  Burgers and dogs will never, ever fail you.  No ball game, pool gathering or outright rager is complete without the requisite bags of rolls, buns and accompanying meats.  It’s un-American to think otherwise, quite frankly.  As the “craft” and farm-to-table food scene proliferates here in America, burgers and dogs have undergone a multitude of makeovers all in an effort to take something of the utmost simplicity and present in a way that will appeal to the highbrow among us.  I’m not going to knock innovation, but you can’t better something that’s already perfect.  An open flame, lit charcoal, beef and some water cooler talk around the grill.  There’s really nothing else needed to complete the equation.  Want to smash your patties on the griddle and go diner style?  Fine.  Want to go Chicago-style on your dog and make it into a parade float? I salute you.  Just as the shoreline is the eternal image of summer, the smell of well seared burgers and dogs at twilight after a long, blistering day make the world just a little bit better.  Your cardiologist be damned, this is where the good stuff will always be.

2) Low Country Boil/Frogmore Stew/Crawfish Boil

Known by different names in different regions, it’s essentially all the same big pot of sexy.  This is basically the south’s twisted, ingenious method of getting roughly 50,000 people to gather in the same place and ingest unholy amounts of salt, butter and old bay. The concept is simple: Crawfish and/or crab legs, sausage, corn cobs, red potatoes, onion and all manner of aromatics and citrus and beer go into a steaming vacuum of hopes and dreams. What comes out delivers on every one of those hopes and dreams.  The resulting witches brew of invertebrate, vegetable and love usually gets dumped out on a table for mass consumption.  This is like being able to taste Jimi Hendrix’s set at Woodstock.  This is from the most radical, technicolor corner of universe.  It is impossible to not overuse hyperbole when speaking of this meal.  If you’ve had it, you know.  If you haven’t, the NCAA should sanction you.  If any meal and the resulting party it that manufactures embodies what summer is to me, this is it.

1) Barbecue 

Summit, we have arrived.  If you recall, from the greatest story ever told, the three wise kings travelled to Bethlehem to gift the newborn Jesus Frankincense, gold and myrrh.  In similar fashion, Texas, Missouri and North Carolina gifted us ribs, brisket and pulled pork.  Barbecue is the USA’s gift to the world.  While there’s no seasonal mandate on when to eat barbecue, summer is high season to do so.  I’ll let you, the people, debate amongst yourselves which region’s iteration sits upon the throne.  What I know is this: barbecue’s core elements are wood, fire and meat.  Summer is about being out under the open sky, embracing the heat and doing our absolute best to live life in the best way possible.  We’ve essentially arrived at the periodic table of existence, is what I’m trying to say.  Summer is perfect because it just is and with smoked, pulled and mop-sauced meats, we have its gastronomic equal.  There is simply nothing better and nothing that we yet know of, that will continue to stand the relentless test of time than barbecue, in all its wondrous variety.  To all of you who celebrate the current season out under a flawless blue sky and plan to dine accordingly, I salute you.