No Soup for You: The Truth Behind J.R Smith’s Suspension

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On Friday morning, the reason behind J.R. Smith’s suspension for Thursday night’s game against Philly came to light.

He allegedly threw a bowl of soup at assistant coach Damon Jones.

If Windy says anything about LeBron or a LeBron team, it almost certainly happened.

Naturally, Twitter is having a field day with the news.

https://twitter.com/JoeyLangone/status/969598361497202688

https://twitter.com/ethiopienne/status/969598563918458880

The Tweets are fun, and we’ve all had a nice laugh.

But I can’t shake this off this feeling that we’re missing the big picture.

I have to know why a man like J.R. Smith would throw soup at a man like Damon Jones, who has been beloved by teammates over the years.

I have a few scenarios in my head on how it might have gone down.

Scenario 1:

J.R. Smith casually walks to his table holding a bowl of chicken noodle

Damon Jones sticks a leg out to trip him, misses yet catches J.R. Smith’s attention

J.R. Smith takes his shirt off and pours the bowl on Damon’s head, leaving the bowl there like a hat, and gives him a wedgie before walking away

“Start this motherfucking victory tour back up!” J.R. shouted as he walked out of the building shirtless.

Scenario 2:

J.R. Smith sits and enjoys a nice warm lobster bisque of a crisp Cleveland afternoon

Tyronn Lue had a dentist appointment and was absent for most of the day

Damon Jones walks to the front of the room and addresses the team

“Tyronn is dead,” Damon told the team, lying in an attempt to take over the team. “I’m going to be

The whole room audibly gasps

Kevin Love begins sobbing

LeBron immediately texts his agent

J.R. Smith, an intellectual and loyal soldier, sees through his plan and launches his lobster bisque in an act of defiance akin to that of William Wallace or the Unknown Rebel at the Tiananmen Square

Scenario 3:

J.R. Smith stands need the catering table with a bowl of gazpacho, lightly taking in its fragrance and appreciating the nuances of the classic dish

“J.R., give me a bowl of that pea soup,” Damon yelled from across the room.

“Actually, Coach, this is a a cucumber gazpacho,” J.R. corrected. “It’s a beautiful take on the classic Spanish dish. This version should help promote hydration.”

“I don’t want to hear any more of that nerd shit in my locker room,” Damon fired back. “Now get me a bowl of that fucking pea soup.”

“Actually, this isn’t a locker room, and as I’ve already said, this is clearly a cucumber gazpacho,” J.R. Smith responded, clearly becoming annoyed by Damon’s lack of respect for Spanish cuisine.

“I said get me a bowl of that fucking pea soup!” Damon said, erupting from his chair.

Unable to convince him through conventional methods, J.R. Smith launched the bowl of cucumber gazpacho at Damon’s face in an attempt to teach him in a nontraditional way

The details will slowly be leaking out on what really happened, but I think we nailed it here.

Case closed.