Sister Jean Laughs at All Comers

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The reason for Loyola Chicago’s grand ascension to the Final Four I through the witchcraft of their 98-year-old nun Sister Jean.

After disposing of Miami and Tennessee with back-to-back buzzer beaters and narrowly escaping Nevada, Sister Jean’s powers grew to new heights.

She allowed the Ramblers to throttle Kansas State 78-62 to send them on to the Final Four.

Along the way, she personally defeated the likes of aquatic elite, the lore of the U, and the dreaded twin magic.

Now, people are coming out of the woodwork to take on the champ.

One such person is Michigan legend Jalen Rose’s grandmother.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I like Jalen Rose, and I’m certain that his grandma is a lovely woman.

But she’s walking into a bear trap that she doesn’t even see coming.

The biggest threat that Sister Jean faces in the next round isn’t the defensive excellence of Michigan.

It’s Dave Portnoy, the man who created Barstool Sports.

And in a sense, it’s also the devil.

The unprecedented sports media takeover by Barstool Sports can be traced back to the beginning of the rise of New England athletics in the early 2000s, especially the Red Sox and Patriots.

Some would say that he sold his soul to the devil, and after Barstool Sports was recently valued at over $100 million (a long ways away from when Portnoy was handing his paper out for free in Boston), it’s easy to believe.

Now, Satan’s favorite son has set his eyes on our beloved Sister Jean.

https://twitter.com/stoolpresidente/status/978310334418243584

It’s frightening because Portnoy has a storied history of vanquishing rivals in spectacular fashion.

From forcing Bleacher Report CEO Dave Finocchio off Twitter to firing Michael Rappaport after a brutal Twitter meltdown, to forcing the NFL to take shirts out of their store, to helping eliminate the Cauldron from existence, Portnoy is at his best in the mud and the shit.

Everyone has fallen in love with Sister Jean, but this will be a real challenge.

Where do we look for strength in this battle?

Where do we seek advice?

The Bible, of course. Ever heard of it?

Let’s try a little Proverbs 21:31:

The horse is made ready for the day of battle, but victory rests with the LORD.

What’s that? Victory is promised to us?

In case the importance of the last piece of scripture wasn’t clear enough, we’ll look into Deuteronomy 20:4 for a brief moment:

For the LORD your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory.

You mean to tell me we have a TAG TEAM MATCH with Big G and Sister Jean against Dave Portnoy and Satan?

It’s going to be a blood bath in San Antonio, and Sister Jean will take her rightful place on the throne once again.

#runandnun